Finding Closure

The unrelenting controversies surrounding Pakistan cricket has over the years numbed the senses of even the most ardent of its followers. The last few months however, were especially tough to swallow. For me it brought to head a separation from cricket in general. But unfortunately separations are not like quickie divorces. Thus there still remained a lingering urge to revert back to my old hopeful self. But let’s be honest, any chance of things improving is wedged comfortably between Ijaz Butt’s butthole and Zardari’s ass crack, given both are indeed joined at the hip.

So what started as an exercise to find closure and lay to rest any remaining doubt of a change in fortune turned into a fairly cathartic exercise. It took the shape of a letter to my favourite person on the planet. Self indulgent as it may be, I thought I would share it with all of you. Nothing quick about this divorce but I do feel a lot better. And for the record I truly hope that unlike me you continue to keep the faith …

Dear Mr. Butthole;

I am a huge fan of your work. My frequent Facebook updates as proof, I am in fact somewhat obsessively enamoured by your persona. Consequently I feel obliged to share with you my feelings towards your unprecedented contributions to Pakistan cricket over the last 24 months.

Let me begin by clarifying my reference to you as ‘Butthole’ which at face value may come across as a crass alteration of your eminence’s title. Sire it is in fact my personal testament to your incomparable oratory prowess. You not only have an extraordinary ability to generate noise from your ass but also to engender acceptance of the same incoherence as speech. As I will go on to explain, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your Inception’esque abilities.

Since taking charge of the PCB, your foresight and statesmanship has singlehandedly kept the hordes of ‘foreign’ conspirators at bay. Long have evil forces eyed Pakistani talent (Meera aside) with Machiavellian envy. But only you have been able to identify the nefarious intentions of this clandestine bunch. Their single minded agenda to eliminate the clear and present danger that Pakistani cricket poses to their ascendancy may be hidden to mere mortals but you sire are neither mere nor mortal.

Befitting your immense stature, you have batted back these enemies of Islam with a broom, systematically cleaning up the mess that existed within the PCB. You started by getting rid of Geoff Lawson and his utterly un-Pakistani coaching philosophy. Rubbish like modernity might work for folks ‘down under’ but does not cut it for a country used to loftier standards. His insistence on only one captain in Pakistan’s playing 11 was where you drew the line. I mean let’s get real. Did he really expect the team to operate under a single leader when the country’s top two political parties are split into a gazillion discreet factions. Asshole!

You followed this up by flipping the script on batting maestro Javed Miandad, with your own master stroke in orchestrating his resignation as Director General PCB. Some suggested you retain his expertise as batting coach. However you of impeccably sound mind, body, and soul rightly concluded that runs are irrelevant within a nondrolene fuelled fast bowling reality. Regardless, his bizarre sideline antics would have served as unnecessary distractions for a team used to assailing far greater challenges.

Then you found time to turn the attempted murder of Sri Lankan players and coaching staff into a media and political coup for the country. Where others ignored, you rightly pointed out that if indeed there was a breach in security, surely the body count would have been higher. Brilliant! That really shut them up! They didn’t ask for any further explanation nor did you provide any. Who’s your daddy now bitches?!

Whilst ringing in the changes and maintaining moral ascendancy, you continued to play and do so even today, the perfect game of chess with the folks at the PCB. Knowing full well that allowing people to settle into roles only leads to complacency, you regularly hire, fire, re-hire, and re-fire PCB executives, team selectors, players, and Captains. If I wasn’t acutely aware of your aversion to borrowed knowledge, I would have thought you were a PhD in Psychology. But with your God given intellect, reading a book would be wasting time otherwise better spent on driving change. Pictures don’t have to speak any words to prove the enormous burden of knowledge you carry every day.

Last but certainly not least (oh no sire not where you are concerned), as custodian of Pakistani cricket and therefore a high ranking representative of Pakistan itself, you have managed to do what no other Pakistani in your position has had the balls to do before. Sire when in the aftermath of the shame that England brought upon itself at Lords, you asked Giles Clarke to stick his head where the sun don’t shine, you brought peace to Pakistanis yearning to tell their former occupiers to go fuck themselves. Who needs friends in today’s world of money and power? Prick!

And the gall of Wajid Hasan (Pakistani High Commissioner to the UK but sire just very very high if you ask me), to try and jump on the bandwagon in the 12th hour was proof itself of your accomplishment. Jealous cunt! Just as he has replaced most of Quaid-e-Azam’s portraits at the Pakistani High Commission in London with Benazir Bhutto’s, I demand that he replace the rest with yours!

Sire you are a phenomenon that transcends time, logic, and most of all space. I have no doubt that your deeds will become legend in the years to come. History will speak of your incorruptible integrity. Your perseverance in the face of adversity, through lies, false accusations, media speculation, threats, mutiny etc. will act as a beacon of hope in times of need. Sire let me tell you; Mandella ain’t got shit on you!

In short sire you are a fucking genius! Salute worthy! May I humbly suggest that we round up 32 dicks from the Presidency and have them fire three rounds of blanks in your honour! Oh crap. Forgot the Presidency is only made up of pussies. No matter. We will round them up from Parliament instead. I hear democracy has an equal number of both working there hand in hand.

But I digress. Sire a man with your insight knows that Pakistanis are inherently shy of sharing their feelings therefore let me on behalf of oh so many say a heartfelt ‘Thank you’. God bless you!

May you live long basking in the fires of Zardari’s hell hole!

Ps: the broad definition of the iceberg I alluded to earlier is a large piece of subarctic ice found in places where no one wants to go for a picnic. Nothing remotely resembling our land of the pure.

~ by writeofleft on October 29, 2010.